ot but funny Bass Commandments

[Ansil]

Bass Commandments

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a
Precision, but it could have been a Jazz--nobody knows.
Anyway, it was very old--definitely pre-CBS.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He
saw that it was very good, in fact, and couldn't be improved
on at all (though men would later try). And so He let it be and
He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful
'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E
string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated
throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it
was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at
his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the
bass. And lo, itwas funky. And God heard this funkiness and
He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man
came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have
upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and
faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the
wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something
like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created
yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man,
saying "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited
about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard
of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and
the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels
started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this--how could He miss it--and lo He became
Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man,
if I wanted Jimi Hendrix, I would have created the guitar.
Stick to the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to
mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing
fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which
God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the
fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck.
And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment
of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and
blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault
and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as
He spoke to the man.

And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My
word. If I wanted 20 Buddy Emmons, I would have created
the steel guitar! Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it
shall play higher than you can even think of.

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And
they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall
make you to always stand next to the drummer.

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall
guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down
upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able
to play higher and faster than the bass.

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this: That all
the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the
low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other
musicians shall say 'Wow' but really they shall hate it. And
they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find
other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you
want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in
like a thief in the night.

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave
the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

And it was so.

[smoguzbenjamin]

:mrgreen:

Haha! Where do you find that kind of stuff? :mrgreen: haha!

[Peter Snowberg]

That was written by Tony Levin (original bassist for King Crimson) under the title, "The Life and Art of Bass Playing".

-Peter

[Fret Wire]

That's funny. God must not like it when I finger tap on my short scale EB-O!

[BillyJ]

OMFG Tony Levin wrote that?   Too funny man too funny. I remeber reading where he did this session work on one of Peter Gabriels albums and Tony was really happy and though he had played some dynomite stuff only to hear the record to find they either cut all of him or looped some small section of what he was doing....LOL.
Poor chap. Good sense of humor I must say.
I wonder if this comes after the Crimson departure?
What is Tony up to these days?   Ah yes a solo career LOL!

[Peter Snowberg]

He's one of my favorite bass players without question.

http://www.tonylevin.com/

-Peter

[runmikeyrun]

man, under punishment he left out that we would also have to suffer larger, heavier amps to lug around to compete with the aforementioned guitar stacks...

and that no one will notice us on stage until we stop playing... :x

oh yeah and no chicks either!!

[Chill]

"Then did He smite the bassist with the Chapman Stick."  

[David]

Yea, verily, and the Lord inflicted a plague of synthesized music upon the land.  And the bassist and guitarist alike cowered in fear of the terror that playeth at noonday, and stealeth the gigs and chicks at night.  After a season of repentance, God sent the plague away and made His face to shine upon the bassist and the guitarist again.  And God left the guitarist to drag his Marshall stacks around.  But in His everlasting mercy, He showered the bassist with the Pod, the powered monitor, the SansAmp and the 22 pound Gallien-Krueger combo that puts out 100 watts.  And God saw that it was good.

[Marcus Dahl]

Yea, verily, and the Lord inflicted a plague of synthesized music upon the land.  And the bassist and guitarist alike cowered in fear of the terror that playeth at noonday, and stealeth the gigs and chicks at night.  After a season of repentance, God sent the plague away and made His face to shine upon the bassist and the guitarist again.  And God left the guitarist to drag his Marshall stacks around.  But in His everlasting mercy, He showered the bassist with the Pod, the powered monitor, the SansAmp and the 22 pound Gallien-Krueger combo that puts out 100 watts.  And God saw that it was good.

I like how this guy thinks.

[idlefaction]

really?  the plague leaves again?!  

here in new zealand, you still can't really pay people to go to rock shows.    $40 to see a guy playing records you already heard sounds much better to most people than $5 to see three local bands play all original stuff.

your message doth bringeth hope to the masses down under!

[Marcus Dahl]

really?  the plague leaves again?!  

here in new zealand, you still can't really pay people to go to rock shows.    $40 to see a guy playing records you already heard sounds much better to most people than $5 to see three local bands play all original stuff.

your message doth bringeth hope to the masses down under!

It sounds like here....